The Best Type of Riley Finn
by SilverWolf7007
Summary: In their boredom, Buffy and Faith discover an interesting dilemma. Is the best type of Riley Finn a concussed Riley Finn? And if so, which is the best weapon to use? Or is it a dead Riley Finn? Let us find out…
1. Trial One

_**The Best Type of Riley Finn**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

**_Trial One: Concussion by Book_**

Buffy was fairly sure that she had never been so bored in her entire life.

Having endless slayers running around the world might _seem _like a good thing, but it left both her and Faith with very little to do.

Oh sure, there was the whole training of the newbies thing that Giles, Robin and Andrew were running, but, well…it just wasn't any _fun_.

As such, they were currently hiding from Giles, who wanted them to put a group of girls through a training session.

Buffy eyed the small stand of trees Faith had led her to with doubt. "And you think that there is no way for Giles to find us when we're here hiding under the trees in plain view of the house?"

Faith rolled her eyes. "Look, Giles isn't gonna look very hard. He _knows _that we're sick of this gig. So we skip this training thing, sit out here, and we should be left alone."

"Well, I hope you're right."

As it happened, she was.

This led to them lounging on the ground, chatting randomly.

_This_ led them to a topic usually best avoided by anybody – Riley Finn.

"I've got a random question for you about soldier boy," Faith said suddenly.

Buffy shrugged. "Okay, shoot."

"What's your best memory of him?"

The blonde slayer smirked. "The day we met." A dreamy look came into her eyes and a wistful smile appeared on her lips.

Faith raised an eyebrow. Then she rolled her eyes. "Are you going to _tell_ me about it?"

"Oh! Sure. See, Willow and I were in the library on the first day of college, and we were after the psych books. And obviously the librarians there were totally insensitive to short psych students, as they were on the _top_ shelf."

"So what, he got them down for you?" she asked with a roll of her eyes.

Buffy snorted. "Ah, no. Actually, I tried for them, knocked them down, and…" the wistful smile reappeared with a hint of evil. "They fell on his head. Nearly knocked him out."

Faith burst into laughter.

Once she had recovered, she had another question for Buffy. "So, what is the best type of Riley Finn?"

"Um, a concussed one, maybe?"

"Concussed by what?"

"Anything, I guess. Is there a difference?"

An odd look crossed the dark haired slayer's face. "Hey B. You happen to know where the soldier boy in question is at the moment?"

Buffy frowned, confused. "Funnily enough, yes. He and his wife are tracking some demon somewhere nearby; Xander ran into them, literally. They're still in town."

"Good. We have an experiment to conduct."

"Faith, I think you should know that you sound like someone's high school chem teacher."

She rolled her eyes and grabbed the shorter girl's wrist. "Come _on_!"

"Where are we going?"

"I'll show you when we get there!"

"Did you just quote the Lion King at me?"

"Not on purpose."

"Okay then."

* * *

Buffy was holding one of Giles' 'musty old books', one of the very large, heavy ones. Faith was holding a video camera (that she had 'borrowed' from Andrew), a sheet of paper and had a pen behind her ear.

The two of them were standing in an alley just beside a small café, where Riley and Sam Finn were currently having coffee.

"Run this by me one more time. Exactly _what_ are we doing?"

Faith sighed. "We are going to conduct a series of trials, each one concussing Riley Finn in a different way. We are then going to examine our results and decide on the best method for concussing said Riley Finn."

"I guess I can't back out now." Buffy couldn't help but grin. "The best Riley Finn is a concussed Riley Finn, after all."

"Exactly."

Ten minutes later, Sam and Riley walked past their alley. Buffy headed out, Faith on her heels with the video recorder pressed to her eye.

"Buffy!" exclaimed the astonished man. "What are you doing here?"

The blond shrugged. "Oh, we were in the neighbourhood."

Riley looked over her shoulder, ogled Faith for a moment, was elbowed by his wife, and then looked back to Buffy.

He didn't get a chance to speak further.

Buffy hefted the book in her hands, grabbed it by the base and slammed it forcibly into Riley's skull.

There was a thud as Riley hit the ground, then silence.

"That felt good," Buffy said with a grin.

Faith laughed from behind her, still recording. "Nice shot."

Sam stared from them to her unconscious husband and back again, completely in shock.

Faith switched off the camera, passed it to Buffy, pulled out her pen and paper and began noting down various pros and cons of concussing Riley Finn with a large book.

* * *

Much later that night, the two of them were lounging around yet again, this time in front of the warm fire in the lounge room of Giles' home, where the Scooby Gang had moved to.

"So, what's next on the list?" Buffy asked eagerly, turning to where Faith was rewriting her notes more neatly into a notebook.

Faith shrugged. "You pick. He's your ex."

Buffy smirked. "All right then. I will."

_**Trial One: Success!**_

_**Score - Slayers: 1, Soldier Boy: 0, Musty Old Books: 42**_

_**

* * *

**_

_Uh, no, I don't like Riley. Could you tell? This story has thirteen planned fairly short chapters, and so far, is just plain fun to write._

_Next time, Trial Two: Concussion by Stake_

_Please review._

_S. Wolf_


	2. Trial Two

_Uh, chapter dedicated to Aniala and Cuddles. Sorry, did I say chapter? I meant story. _

_**The Best Type of Riley Finn**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Trial Two: Concussion by Stake**_

Faith was frowning at her sister slayer as the two of them lounged under 'their' stand of trees over a week later. "I still don't get why we've waited so long to conduct the next experiment."

Buffy sighed with the air of someone who has gone over this many times before (mainly as she _had_). "Faith, Riley was in the hospital for a night, and then we had to let him recover a bit. There would be no point in trying many ways to concuss him if he's in a constant state of concussion as it is...we don't want to cause brain damage."

"Not yet at least," the other woman muttered. "All right, I can deal. So, do we go after him tonight?"

"We have to. If we leave it too much longer, they'll get the demon and leave town. Then we'd have to track them down, and find them, and it would be far too much hard work even for such a good cause."

Faith smirked. "Good. Now, will you tell me what your weapon of choice is already?"

Buffy didn't answer verbally, but as she stood and began to head back to the house, she pulled something from her pocket and waved it around pointedly.

"What the…wait, B, we're not _killing_ him, are we? B? Buffy!"

The blonde didn't look back.

Faith stared after her before beginning to follow.

* * *

Riley Finn had been having a rather bad month.

It had started when he and Sam had begun tracking that damned demon, the species of which he was still unsure. The thing had been leading them a merry chase for two weeks, and he was sick of it.

Then they had run into Xander Harris. The day _had_ looked up then, and he had asked whether Buffy and the Scoobs would be willing to give them a hand finding the demon.

Xander had turned him down flat. Apparently, they had their hands full training their new slayer army, or something to that effect.

Three days after that, he and Sam had been walking away from the café when his ex wandered out of an alley with a large tome in hand.

Riley didn't remember the rest of that day very well. Buffy had, in a move that confused him completely, brained him with the book.

That had landed him an overnight stay in hospital and a concussion. Plus, before he was discharged he was told that someone had hacked into the hospitals computers _very_ unprofessionally and investigated his condition.

Then, of course, had been the recovering from the concussion part of his month, which took almost a week.

Finally, he and Sam were still looking for that damn demon.

Eventually, that led them to tonight, when they had decided to separate and head different ways, hoping to at least catch a lead.

For reasons still unknown to him now, Riley headed into a cemetery.

* * *

Faith was still trailing after Buffy several hours later, as the blonde slayer headed into a cemetery carrying her intended weapon against Riley.

She still hadn't definitively said that she wasn't planning to kill him, though Faith consoled herself with the thought that she hadn't actually said that she _was_, either.

"Okay, I'm going to ask again. How exactly are you going to _concuss_ the guy with _that_?"

It seemed that Buffy was finally tired of Faith's constant questioning. "I was planning to hit him repetitively with the blunt end, actually."

Faith blinked several times. "Well, I hope it works. And I hope you're ready."

"Ready?"

She pointed. "Looks like our subject has wandered into the graveyard after all…"

Buffy grinned. Evilly.

Riley spotted them and made his way over. "Buffy, I was hoping to run into you. I wanted to ask you, what happened last week?"

Buffy feigned ignorance as Faith settled in behind a nearby gravestone to get a good view with the camera. "I don't know what you mean. I haven't seen you since you and Sam tracked that demon through Sunnydale."

"I…but…last week…with the book…"

She shrugged and pulled Mr Pointy out of her pocket. She tossed it in the air and caught it by the pointy end.

Riley eyed her. "Um, Buffy…"

She began smacking him over the head.

"Ow! Hey! Ow! I – ow! What –ow! Ow! Ow! Argh!"

By now, he was curled up on the ground with his arms around his head, trying to protect it.

Buffy stopped and gave a sigh.

Riley cautiously opened an eye and shifted an arm to see her.

_Crack._

"Owww….."

"Oh, I give up. Riley, call your wife. She might need to take you into the emergency room again. We'll be seeing you!"

He watched, rubbing his head as she walked away, the brunette he knew to be Faith joining her.

* * *

For the second time in her life, Faith hacked into the hospital records to find out the condition of Riley Finn.

This time, the news was not so good. "Aw man."

"What?" Buffy asked from where she was sprawled across the floor with a book.

"A few nasty bruises, a couple of cuts, a large splinter, and no concussion to be seen."

Buffy pouted and pulled out her 'trusty' stake. "Mr Pointy, I'm so disappointed in you."

Faith rolled her eyes. "Well, now you know to use something with more force next time, huh?"

"You're right. Plus, without a current concussion, we can conduct trial three much faster. Oh, and Faith?"

"Yeah?"

"You get to pick the next weapon."

"Yay!"

_**Trial Two: Failure…though still fun**_

_**Score - Slayers: 2, Soldier Boy: -1, Mr Pointy: 7.5**_

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**_

_Possibly my quickest update, well, ever. Don't expect it to happen again! I just couldn't help myself, I wanted to post more. And I finished the next trial, too, so that kinda helps._

_Now, to certain reviewers…_

_amytherat – Glad you approve. And yes, in later chapters others will be getting in on the act._

_Lora – Really? And here I thought being a lousy writer involved lack of grammatical skills, seriously bad spelling, Mary Sues, things like that. But hey, if you think character bashing is a sign of lousy writing, I'll leave you to it. _

_beccaA – I honestly don't think anyone likes Riley._

_davide – Thanks._

_Everyone else should have received their review replies by the time I post this chapter._

_Next time, Trial Three: Concussion by Cactus._

_Please review!_

_S. Wolf_


	3. Trial Three

_**The Best Type of Riley Finn**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Trial Three: Concussion by Cactus**_

"Okay, and you said that me using Mr Pointy was weird?"

"Hey, there is _nothing _wrong with my choice!"

"Nooo, no at _all_, Faith. There's just that little detail of you wanting to do it with a spiky _plant_!"

Of course, this snippet of conversation was had right as the two young women stepped into the unusually full kitchen, where Andrew was dishing up lunch in his pink apron, as usual.

Faith had asked more than once why he didn't just buy a new one, but he always claimed that there was no point replacing a perfectly serviceable apron just because it was an unconventional colour for a man to wear. Buffy just assumed he liked the damn thing.

Their attention was quickly drawn to Xander as, in light of their conversation, he was choking quite violently on the glass of milk he'd been drinking from.

Robin leaned over and pounded him on the back several times.

Xander, who had recovered halfway though this, glowered at him.

Willow grinned at the two girls. "So, is Xander assuming the actual truth for once, or would you like to tell us what you're _really_ using Mr Pointy and a cactus for? At least, I assume you were referring to a cactus."

Faith, snickering, just nodded as she sat down.

Buffy rolled her eyes and joined them at the table. "I'd tell you all what we're using them for, but then I'd have to slay you."

"That kinda lends weight to Xander's theory, you know," Dawn pointed out innocently. "Ow!" she yelped as her sister's shoe hit her shin. "Buffy, that _hurt_."

"So would using a cactus for what Xander is implying," Faith pointed out. "Tell you what; I'll swear on my Slayer powers that we're using Mr Pointy, cacti, and that book we borrowed from Giles for a very good cause."

"Fighting a great evil," Buffy added solemnly. "We can't tell you much about it yet, but when we do, you'll understand."

"_When_?" Faith demanded. "What do you mean, _when_?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Eventually, we're gonna need their help. I have one plan that we need several other people for…and sooner or later they'll block you from hacking in and we'll need Willow."

Faith sighed. "I suppose you're right. But for now, we keep it a secret. Right, B?"

Her fellow Slayer smirked. "Absolutely."

* * *

'_Is it really paranoia when they're really out to get you?' _Riley wondered, not for the first time. 

The incident with the book he had been willing to write off as a one-time occurrence, possibly due to unresolved issues between the two of them. And then when Buffy had claimed to know nothing about it, he almost believed her.

But the concussion and his wife both attested to the truth of it, and when she had attacked him with that stake…

And she had said _"We'll be seeing you"_.

No, Sam was definitely wrong. He wasn't just being paranoid.

For some reason, Buffy was out to hurt him. He wanted to know why.

And he wanted to stop it before his hospital bills went through the roof.

* * *

Buffy was getting a crash course in filming from Andrew while Faith was, according to her, preparing her weapon. 

It was still a mystery to Buffy how the other Slayer intended to concuss Riley with a plant, even a spiky one.

Eventually, though, Faith arrived from upstairs, and Andrew hurried off to get dinner started.

"So, when should we do this?" Buffy asked.

Faith shrugged. "I think Andrew's making pizza, and I don't want to miss that…after dinner okay with you?"

"Sure."

However, their evening plans began to change the moment the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Dawn called from the front of the house.

A few moments later she walked into the lounge room where Faith and Buffy were now relaxing in wait of dinner, looking somewhat worried and also amused. "Buffy, Riley's at the door. He wants to talk to you."

She frowned. "Did he say why?"

Dawn's lips twitched in amusement. "He, uh, wants to know why you've been attacking him, apparently."

Faith snorted.

"So, are you guys gonna tell me what's going on?" the teen asked eagerly.

Buffy smirked. "After we've, uh, discussed it with Riley. You got everything ready?" she asked her fellow Slayer.

"Yep. You got the camera under control?"

"If Drew weren't so set on cooking for us for the rest of his life, he'd make a damn good teacher," she replied with a nod.

The two of them stood up, grabbed their respective tools and walked to the front door, where Riley was waiting on the veranda.

Dawn, curious, followed them.

* * *

Riley looked nervous, and grew even more so when he saw Buffy with the video camera in hand. In fact, he even managed to miss seeing the bag in Faith's hand, as his eyes were so fixed on the camera. 

Even as she spoke to him, Buffy had the camera focussed on his face. "So Riley, what brings you to our humble home?"

"Buffy, is there a reason you seem to be out to hurt me?"

Her eyes widened in false innocence. "Whatever _do_ you mean?"

For a moment, his resolve wavered. What if Sam _was_ right? But there was a slight hint of amusement on Buffy's face, and he knew, just _knew_ that she was lying to him.

"Look Buffy, you can't fool me. I know you attacked me with that book, and I know you attacked me with a stake. What the hell is going on?"

She shook her head sadly. "Riley, I think you might be the victim of some kind of demon, impersonating me or something. I honestly don't know anything about what happened to you."

He stared at her, utterly lost.

Buffy took pity on him and nodded at Faith, who reached carefully into her bag and pulled out her weapon of choice.

For a moment, all four of them just stared at it. It was a large, round cactus, not one spine was less than an inch long, and it was planted in a very large, heavy-looking pot.

His eyes widened in horror.

Faith smirked, stepped up onto a nearby chair, and dropped the whole thing base first onto his head.

Riley went down like a ton of bricks.

Buffy turned the camera off with a satisfied smile.

Dawn was staring, eyes wide. "That was so _cool_!"

* * *

With Dawn's help this time, they hacked into the hospital records a little faster and much less noticeably. 

"Minor lacerations and puncture wounds, some bruising, and…"

Buffy and Faith glared at her. They had explained the whole plan to her after dragging Riley to a nearby cemetery and anonymously calling an ambulance, and she had immediately demanded to be a part of it.

Dawn smirked. "And a minor concussion."

"Yes!"

_**Trial Three: Success!**_

_**Score - Slayers: 3, Soldier Boy: -5, Dawn: 0.5, Cactus: 9, Cactus Pot: 21**_

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* * *

**_

_That was quite possibly disturbingly fun to write. I look forward to the next one. And the next one. And…well, you get the point._

_amy-the-rat (damn non-showing-up underscores...) - Rambling science nerd or not ;-), it made perfect sense. Of course, this fic has a distinct lack of sense. Glad you enjoyed._

_Again, all other replies should have arrived by the time this is updated._

_Next time, Trial Four: Concussion by Walkie-Talkie._

_Love you all, please review!_

_S. Wolf_


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